Twelve Days, Day 6

[readingrat]

Malvolio:
My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?
[Twelfth Night, Act 2 Scene 3]

May 21, 2010: Day 6
(Four days after the crane disaster in Trenton)

11 am

"What on earth are you doing?" Chase asks, poking his head into House's office.

"Getting into House's mind. You know:
Oh, oobee doo, I wanna be like you,
I wanna walk like you, talk like you, too."
Taub, seated in House's chair, doesn't move his eyes from the screen as he sings.

Foreman, leaning casually against one of the bookshelves behind him, observes, "You're late."

"I informed House. It looks like you're hacking into House's account." Chase frowns slightly,
shaking his head at so much foolhardiness.

Taub corrects him. "We're not. He didn't log out,"

"So you're snooping around in his account." Chase doesn't think that House, while a stickler for such niceties when it isn't his privacy that is being invaded, will react any less explosively when he finds out what his fellows are up to.

"He's bookmarked some very interesting sites. Anatomically interesting sites," Taub says. His voice has a hitherto seldom heard dreamy quality.

Foreman snorts, trying for a mixture of disapproval and indifference, but he can't help casting an occasional glance at the screen. Chase, interest piqued, drops his bag and joins them.

"Oh, whoa!" he exclaims. "How the frigging hell does he circumvent the hospital firewall?"

"Look at this one," Taub says, calling up another bookmarked site.

Chase leans over his shoulder to get a closer look. "No way! There's no way she can be doing that. The hip joint doesn't allow you to get into a position like that."

"It's cool, though, even if it's digitally manipulated." Taub's voice is wistfully.

"It's hot!" Chase corrects.

"What's hot?" Thirteen enters the office.

Foreman clears his throat in embarrassment and moves away from his prime viewing position, but the other two have no such scruples. Taub flicks the screen around so that Thirteen gets a glimpse.

"Here - some girl-on-girl action. We were discussing, ahem, whether their gyrations are anatomically possible."

"Oh, a purely medical debate," Thirteen mocks. "I say it's possible. House'll eat your balls if he catches you surfing on his account."

"He won't know," Taub shrugs. "We'll delete the browser history."

"He will know," Thirteen counters. "He knows already. The webcam is on."

"Oh, shit," Chase mutters. "How come you notice these things and we don't?"

"Since I don't have a dick, my blood doesn't bypass my brain in its favour every time I see tits and ass."

Taub turns the screen back and pulls up the next site.

"Are you suicidal?" Foreman asks.

"Might as well be hanged for a sheep as for a lamb," Taub mutters.

"Taub can't do this at home, so he does it here," Chase surmises.

Taub throws him a dirty look. "There, now the webcam is off. Satisfied?"

Wilson walks in, but stops short when the sounds coming from the computer alert him to what the fellows are up to.

"You," he says with an all-encompassing sweep of his arm, "are disgusting! Is this all you can think about?"

House's fellows stare at him. Foreman raises a supercilious eyebrow. "Come, man, you must be used to this. You lived with House for a year."

"This is not about porn!" Wilson practically yells. He paces speechlessly, running a hand through his hair.

"Are you okay?" Chase asks, genuinely worried. Wilson seldom loses it with anyone but House.

"Oh, I'm okay. But have you stopped to wonder whether House is?"

"House is fine," Taub pronounces.

"He's a lot better than yesterday," Chase adds. "Pain's almost gone. He's even doing clinic duty."

"And that doesn't strike you as ... odd? He lost a patient, after which he was in terrible pain, yet he came in to work as though nothing was wrong. As a result he misdiagnosed the next one and would have lost her too, if Taub hadn't been there last night."

"That's why he made Taub stay the night, isn't it. To make sure that he doesn't lose a patient because of a mistake," Foreman says reasonably.

"He should just have run the bloody tests, as he would have if he'd been up to his game."

Foreman drops all attempts at humouring his boss's friend. "He ran the tests. They were inconclusive.”

"And the new patient has mysterious, inexplicable symptoms," Wilson says sarcastically, gesturing at the whiteboard. The others follow the sweep of his arm with their eyes. The list of symptoms is admittedly rather innocuous, which is why House's fellows have few tests to run and a lot of time on their hands.

"We-ell," Taub says, "it wouldn't be the first time someone developed odd symptoms after becoming House's patient. Maybe he sensed something in this patient."

"Whom, I assume, he didn't see. Furthermore, the case file smelled clean to me. This case isn't worthy of House's attention and you all know it!"

"I thought this is what you always wanted: House accepting that he isn't infallible and taking all aspects of his job seriously, not just the puzzles," Thirteen says.

"Yes, but there has to be a reason for this change. I'm worried, and so should you be!"

"You're his friend," Chase points out. "If you're so worried, maybe you shouldn't have tossed him out."

"I've put up with quite a bit. None of you would spend as much as an evening with him without getting paid."

"Oh, I would have," Chase grins, "but since you offered, I would have been a fool not to take your money."

"I wouldn't have," Foreman says point-blank.

"Well, you're an ass," Chase says without any heat.

Thirteen steers the conversation back onto track. "You're worried he's on something again."

"It would explain ...," Wilson says hesitantly.

"What do you expect us to do? Spy on him?" Foreman's tone expresses clearly what he thinks of that suggestion.

"We've checked his hard-disk. No vicodin there," Taub dead-pans.

"Oh, God!" Wilson shakes his head at them in exasperation and stomps out.

"Self-righteous prick!" Chase mutters.

"Go easy on him," Thirteen advises. "He's feeling guilty at ditching House for his girl-friend."

"He needn't take it out on us. Besides, a responsible adult should be able to coordinate a friendship and a new love interest. House isn't just anyone to him!”

"Holding onto House is tantamount to cheating on his girl-friend," Thirteen muses. At the others' expressions she laughs, saying, "What? Haven't you noticed how Wilson feels about House?"

"You mean they're ...?" Taub makes a crude gesture.

"I don't know about that. But Wilson's got the hunted look of a guy who's got the hots for another guy but won't admit it. He's pushed him away, yet he feels terrible without him; now he's looking for an excuse to pull him back in again. 'House relapsed' would fit the bill wonderfully. He wouldn't even have to admit to himself that he loves House - he can just pretend that House needs him."

"That's - disgusting!" Chase comments.

"What? Wilson being gay?"

"No. Wilson using House."

Thirteen shrugs. "It's what they both do. It's what we all do, isn't it?"

"I don't do that to my friends!" Chase objects. He looks round to the others for support. "Do you?"

"I didn't know any of us had friends," Thirteen says drily. The others grimace, but they don't contradict her.

"I still think Wilson needs his ass kicked," Chase says.

"I can handle that for you if you like," Thirteen offers.

"How?" Foreman enters the conversation for the first time.

She draws her laptop out of her bag, boots it and logs in. "Here," she says. "A medical forum with a sub-forum for gays and lesbians in healthcare."

"And Wilson is a member?" Taub asks doubtfully.

"No, but House will be," Thirteen smirks, "in a moment. Register," she reads. "Okay. Username. What shall we take?"

"I don't think this is a good idea," Taub says darkly. “The last time I did something like this it backfired terribly.”

"Grey Horse," Foreman suggests.

"Grey Horse? I like!" Thirteen smiles. "It sounds like House answering the phone when he's wasted. Should we add any personal information? Age, speciality? I don't think House would, if he were to register anywhere online."

"He'd lie," Chase says.

"Okay, we'll just leave it. Now a post in one of the threads. Let's see. No, wait, House would start a new thread." She taps her fingers on the table in thought.

"What exactly are we doing?" Chase asks.

"Committing suicide the hard way," Taub has shut down House's computer, but he's still sitting in House's chair. "Rachel will be glad to hear that I'm returning to plastic surgery."

"Don't be so negative," Thirteen says absently.

"Let her think; she knows what she's doing," Foreman advises.

Thirteen interrupts. "Here: My bestest buddy is on the verge of his 4th marital disaster. We're fine so long as he's solo, but whenever he needs a fuck he pushes me out of his life and lets some needy bitch take my place. It's starting to get at me. We're both straight, …"

Chase looks confused. "Hang on, I thought the idea was that they're not straight.”

"They all say they're straight - it's like some ritual," Thirteen explains. "... both straight, but I've been wondering about our relationship. Okey-dokey, that should do the job."

"Huh?" Taub says. "Try picking up a woman that way, and you'll spend a cold and lonely night."

"He's not looking for a date, he's seeking advice, and you wouldn't believe how generous people are with that. Now I need to find Wilson."

Before knocking on Wilson's door Thirteen schools her expression into one of apologetic eagerness. She enters when she hears Wilson's "Come in!"

He looks up at her in surprise as she hovers uncertainly in the doorway. "What can I do for you?" he says coldly.

"I think I know why House is acting so strange," Thirteen says, "but I didn't want to say anything in front of the others."

Wilson thaws somewhat and gestures at the chair in front of his desk.

"When we were surfing through House's bookmarked sites, I noticed a site that I know. It's, umm, a medical forum for gay healthcare professionals. The others weren't interested because there were no pictures," Thirteen rolls her eyes in pseudo amusement, "but it fits in with some other things I've observed."

"You think that House is ... gay?" Wilson asks incredulously. "Look, I know there are rumours about us, but I assure you we've never ... I mean ... we're both straight!"

"Speak for yourself," Thirteen answers automatically. "Anyway, House seems to have doubts about himself. You remember when I took him to that lesbian bar a few weeks ago? I was all set for the usual offensive remarks, but he was genuinely interested, he didn't make any snarky or sexist comments, he didn't keep up a running commentary on potential girl-on-girl action and how he'd like in on that - he was different."

She waits for this to sink in, and then she hammers in the message. "I remember how confusing it was for me when I realized I wasn't straight. Everything I believed about myself, all those years of social conditioning, the ability to fit into the mould society had ready and fitting for me – pffft! It all went up in a puff of smoke. I felt like a freak. It must be so much worse for him; he's way older and he's always prided himself on his masculine image - you know, a boobs-and-ass man - so it's all the more difficult for him to accept his new sexual orientation."

"You think House is acting strange because he's …"

"Confused. Exactly." Thirteen gauges Wilson's response to her bait and decides that he is lured. "Check out the forum for yourself. It's got serious information about how to adjust to being gay in the medical world. It'll give you some idea of what he's facing." She picks up a pen and a post-it and scribbles the forum address onto it.

Wilson takes the post-it from her and examines it as though it could bite. Nevertheless, she can sense that he has swallowed it, hook, line and sinker. His fingers are twitching as though poised above his keyboard while his eyes slide to the screen of his computer. Smiling to herself, Thirteen quietly sneaks out of Wilson's office.

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Comments

[maineac.livejournal.com]

Oh you *are* wicked! Love what Thirteen did. Now must rush off to see what happens.

[readingrat.livejournal.com]

Who, me? What did *I* do? It was Thirteen (pointing at her and looking innocent)!

The season ending threw me in a loop - I was expecting a relapse and instead I got a completely unexpected and unasked for romance. But Wilson was already cast as Malvolio and ready to be shot down; heaven knows that he did enough in Season 6 to deserve it.